Something for myself to read when i'm much more free.

http://www.thepsychologist.org.uk/archive/archive_home.cfm/volumeID_18-editionID_115-ArticleID_809-getfile_getPDF/thepsychologist/0205tall.pdf

I'm sorry but I don't give my heart away easily.

I know whom I have once fallen deeply and madly in love with.
I know whom i have secretly and peeking-ly have crush with.
I know whom I have keep in my heart under 'interested' category.
I know whom I have envied and thought/wish to be with him.

BUT above and beyond all this Limerences, who said that I will give my heart away easily to those whom is part of what I have mentioned above.
I had 4ex-es 1silent break up(tho its silent but its damn hurtful alright?! Coz the guy's feeling towards me faded.), 1 broke up with me, 2 I broke up with them.
Through this 4puppies and nails, I have been through the ups and downs and I know the sweet and bitter feelings of Love. I know the taste. I know how it smells like.

If you were to ask me about my impression towards Love and relationship, I would say... my overall impression to it is... Sweet!

Although I have made some stupid vow like "only attach after my 19th birthday." That doesn't mean that I won't break my vow.

Let's see about how things goes. Frankly speaking,
1. I don really have many guys friends whom I'm close with. Even those close ones ain't my ideal type.
2. I have this issue of being very conscious of the numbers of times i'm out with guys.(bad things happened in the past which mould me to be like this. Damn it! I hate having such issue! It's depressing!!)
3. After typing all this, I have done my calculation like... long long time ago that... if such issue continues (issue: *refer back to no 1.*), I guess... I will only be attach at the age of 21.

Having so much thought of having a baby by the age 18, I ROFL at myself after doing my calculation last year. Anw... that was just my thought when I was little.
Actually... I want to be a young mummy. Forget about what I have just typed.*
Hmmm...
this is how I plan... I have to at least be a very close friend of my Mr Right for at least 1year then we can talk abt being into r/s. ;)

Dont wanna talk about this topic anymore. Am gg back to nap.

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I dare not take the risk. Perhaps I'm not ready for.anything that's related to Love.

That day, as I alighted from the bus, took the escalator and there he was standing against the railing. The first thing that came to my mind was...
"What should I do???!"
So, I just walked normally pass him but at the corner of my eyes, he turned and looked at me walking pass him. So I quickly look at my phone instead and secretly told myself in heart...
"Thank goodness that I didn't look at him."(I believe that our eyes are expressive. So, if I were to return that glances back to him, I would probably gave him the eyes of lust.)

Yes, I'm really afraid to fall in love with him like... again!; a person whom I don't know a single thing of except for his name. Although I did prayed something like... "... I don mind if he changes to a better person..." but still... things are different now compared to before.

Tho I'm afraid, but in heart I feel happy. Like a stupid person.1thing I must thank God for is really... I'm no longer madly in love. For me, Being madly in love =mentally ill= depression. Which turns out to be scientifically true!!!!!!
Meowwww~ I still believe that I will find my Mr.Right for sure. :)

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新年初一后的思考

Had an awesome day. Had a gathering with my mom’s siblings and my grandpa+grandma. It was really great as we all sat together and had small little chats. Frankly speaking, it has been very long ever since we last sat down and talk.

Yesterday, my paternal grandma asked me if I’m attach or not. It’s like… everyone is excited for me to get attach… Yesterday, after Reunion Dinner, I went home, sat on my Big chair in my room and think for awhile. This will be my plan for this year: Focus on my Portfolio, Get into Lasalle, Work for my Uncle, Continue to focus on my portfolio, master all the things that I’ll be learning in school from the month of July.

Simply, focusing on the things that I have planned for myself this year. I don’t plan to get into any relationship. Seriously… I tried hard to shake away the negative thoughts in my mind but every time I asked myself this question, “Zining, Do you want to get into any relationship, if yes, when?” Well, the truth is, I get really disappointed and upset whenever I think of it. Currently, Getting into Relationship is the topic I want to push away far from myself the most. Maybe Next year? Alright, I plan to ONLY get involve in Relationship after mid of 2012. At the same time, right now, got to try to overcome what’s in my mind and the things that disappoints me.

This year, few days ago, I told myself that I want to achieve something BIG for myself, may OR may not be related to my dream and vision. Well, actually, I want to participate in events OR activities OR competitions that will inspire people at the same time, knowing how much my self worth is and at the same time creating values in my life. Let’s be frank. I spent half of my life wanting, visualizing, planning, telling people how much I wanted to be a model and now, although I have something else to focus in life and run after in life, I felt that, I shouldn’t just let go of that dream that I had few years ago. I shouldn’t give up.

Back then, I spent time, effort and self practices(mirror practices of speech, catwalk-ing to and fro in my living room, watch videos after videos of what does it takes to become a model(runway), I did many stretches to force myself to become taller each day, I learn to groom myself better from those short clips, I pray to God hard, I went to look for companies after companies to see if any wants me(they only wants my $$ to build a portfolio), I went to interact with models and befriends with them… etc etc… Simply, I put lots of effort into it and when I decided and came to a conclusion that this will never work for me, I became depress and wanted to give up this dream of mine. In fact, becoming a Runway model was the 1st dream I ever had and was also the the 1st dream I put very much effort in trying hard to make it come true. Back then, due to the amount of depression and lack of support and verbally abused, I somehow put that dream of mine to a rest and I haven’t been talking about it nor thinking about it for about a year until recently, few days ago…. I felt that although I’m building up my portfolio for my Fashion Design course, although I’m running after my so called 2nd dream, I SHOULDN’T let my 1st dream just die away like that, in fact, I want to do something OR something even better to recue this 1st Dream of mine.

I want to be beautiful as a whole. I don’t want to be or neither look beautiful on the outside and have a corrupted heart and personality on the inside. I have seen people with the beauty on the outside and when they speak all the rough words, vulgarities all came out from their mouth, which ISN’T beautiful AT ALL! In fact, I find it really really ugly and I don’t want to be like that. I don’t speak vulgarities, I stopped using rough words but there’s something in me I’m still lack of which is stopping me to be beautiful and there’s something I’m lack of to become 1.

 

从新年初一开始, 我要把事做的跟好， 做的最好。 我不要因为自己的自私而拖累别人。我要用自己的能力和实力在加神的力量把事做的最要好， 为上帝服务， 也给上帝我最好的服务和精神。 我要做个女强人。